About El Momma

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Disbelief

Warning. This post discusses loss. 

I'm still in a state of shock.

Total disbelief that our daughter is gone.

I've never lived in belief that nothing bad happens. I know it does. I have very close friends who I've walked alongside as they've travelled down this road before. Further in their pregnancies. Perfect babies born silently.

It makes no sense.

And, yet, I never considered that this could happen to us.

We are older with this baby. There are additional risks. Statistics. Blah blah blah.

And, I had more information about this baby than any of my other babies at this point. We'd had 2 ultrasounds. Perfect results from both. At 13 weeks and 3 days, I saw my little girl happily squirming around. She looked like she was dancing. She lifted her arms, put her hands to her mouth and appeared to wave to the ultrasound machine. She was adorable. Joyful. Yes, I felt like I knew her personality at this young of an age.

When I went to my regular check up appointment last week, I was concerned. My little fluttering baby was no longer fluttering. I couldn't feel her the night before. I knew that was a possibility given we were only 17 weeks along, but I was concerned because I felt flutters earlier in the pregnancy and now felt nothing.

We will never know this side of heaven why her perfect little heart stopped beating.

I have faith that God is walking this road with us.  But, I do not pretend to understand the why. Mary-Linda is loved deeply and we believe the Lord grieves with us and did not plan this for her life.

Jeremiah 29, verses 11-13 says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart."

We never expected to leave the hospital this way. Without our baby girl in our arms. Huddled up. Hoping. Praying. Asking for God to get us through and bonding together.

The loss of a child is unbearable. It's unimaginable and we can not walk this road alone. I am thankful for each of your prayers. Every prayer, every meal, every playdate, every hug- it confirms that we are not in this alone. Even when we feel so isolated. I've learned one thing from this experience.

My children give THE BEST HUGS.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

I will Praise Him in the Waiting...My heart is broken, but hope remains

Praising the Lord in the waiting.
I will hope in the steadfast love of the Lord.
Giving thanks and knowing that the Lord weeps with us.
My heart is broken, but hope remains. 


Heartbroken

The Book of Lamentations 3:21-26
21 But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:
22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
25 The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
26 It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.


Friday, August 18, 2017

Heartbroken

18 



Psalm 34:1, 18
His praise shall continually be in my mouth. I will bless the Lord at all times;
The Lord is near to the broken-hearted

This is the hardest post I've ever written.
And, by far, the most difficult time of my life.

On Tuesday morning, at a little over 17 weeks gestation, we found out that our baby girl's heart had stopped beating.

We are devastated. Completely devastated.

Monday night, as I settled into my place in bed, I reached for the home fetal Doppler monitor so that I could listen to our daughter's heartbeat. It was a normal routine for me. I had done this same thing many times this since she was 10 weeks along. Even at that age, I could find her heartbeat. This night was different. Things didn't sound right. I didn't panic. Mainly because I heard something (turned out to be my own pulse or the placenta beating). And I knew my regular appointment was the next day. I thought my monitor wasn't working correctly. I really didn't hold on to the thought that her heart could have stopped beating.

I decided to sleep in and not work out before my appointment, just in case she was in distress.

I went to my appointment alone. As I mentioned to the nurse that I wasn't noticing her flutters as I had earlier in my pregnancy.  She said she would let the midwife know. When they went to find her heartbeat, my heart began to race uncontrollably. It sounded just like the night before. It didn't sound right. She acted as though it was no big deal and I'd "won myself an ultrasound today." I lay there still, as the reality began to sink in. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed and prayed and prayed. The ultrasound showed my biggest fear. My beautiful baby girl, still and with no heart beat. The midwife turned to me and quietly said what I feared most. "Rebekah, I'm so sorry, but there is no heartbeat."
Dear God. Please, no. She said she would go get a professional sonographer to be sure. I remained laying down on the table as one person stayed with me in the room for a while. I wanted her to leave. I wanted to be alone so I could pray out loud. So I could cry out to God for a miracle. She asked me if I wanted to sit up. I said no. I wanted to stay there. She offered to go see what was taking so long and I asked her to please do that.

As I lay there alone in the room, I continued to ask the Lord for a miracle. "God, please restore our baby girl. If there is any way, let her heartbeat be strong. Please God, I know you are the God who heals. We need a miracle."
The next sonogram confirmed the worst news of my life. Our child. Our fifth baby el. Our precious baby girl's heart was no longer beating.

Moustapha had worried with me the night before. We both love all of our children so much. I needed him. I called him. Through the tears, I said his name "Moustapha." He cried out "No!" Without saying anything else, he knew.

This is all I can share about that for now. 

Wednesday morning, I delivered our baby girl and held her in my arms way too soon. She is beautiful. She brought our family so much joy in the weeks leading up to this day. Our family now feels a deep sadness and a huge hole in our hearts. 

But, our hope remains in Christ. We know that God loves us all and that our daughter is in God's arms. We are heartbroken. Please keep our entire family in your prayers.


Mary-Linda Elizabeth El-Hakam
We will love and cherish our time with you always. 
Love you forever. - Momma and Daddy

Sunday, August 13, 2017

Full ❤️ Heart

It's fair to say that my hands look "full" in this photo. 

I think if you asked me then, I would have told you that even my heart was full. 

But, what I didn't know, is that my arms and my heart have room for more. There is more love to give and more love to receive. 

I can't wait to have another Baby El in my arms for the next family beach trip. She's already loved so much before we ever lay eyes on her or hold her in our arms. 



Now we just wait, pray and *try to* get ready for life with a baby in the house again! 

Friday, August 11, 2017

What do you consider a family vacation?



What do you consider a family vacation? 



I often read about vacations being different than taking "trips" with kids. I personally love being on "vacation" with my kids. I especially love it when we have an extra *adult* family member with us to balance out the kid to adult ratio. This year, it was just me, dad and the 4 Els and for their ages (12,10,8 and 7) it was perfect. Next year, with baby in tow, I will definitely want another adult helper along with us to help keep the older kiddos occupied. But, this year, with these four kids, we were happy and chill. 



We like driving vacations. It's nice to pack up the SUV with everything you need and get to where you are wanting to land in one day. White sandy beaches and blue water? Yes, please! We've found ourselves in or near Destin, Florida four different summers. I highly recommend this vacation. Later in the summer you will find the best deals, but given our schedules gearing back up for school, we had to go a little earlier this year.

We also both lived in Southern California after college, so traveling back to California feels like home. It's probably my favorite vacation spot. 1. We found some great round trip ticket prices last summer. And, we tend to book a timeshare week with redweek.com and have found some really great places to stay that way. We love to have accommodations with full kitchens and separate bedrooms. This is a must with our big, growing family. 

We love beach days, Disneyland, pool time, playing cards, completing puzzles, watching movies, trying out restaurants with great YELP reviews and just being together. It's a break from my normal routine and for me, it's a wonderful "vacation!"































Monday, July 31, 2017

A Birthday Surprise for the Els

Turning forty was the icing on the cake...
But, the C-A-K-E (aka the best part of yesterday) was sharing with our four children whether or not they are getting a baby brother or baby sister in January.
We've never done a "gender reveal." I don't think they were super popular 7 plus years ago. And, definitely not 13 years ago. Plus, Dad and I like to know and the gender reveal part would be for our kids and not for us. 
Since they are older, we wanted to make it really fun for them. So, we ordered a ballon with confetti to reveal the sex of the baby. We incorporated this into my family birthday party so that many cousins, grandparents, aunt and uncles could enjoy and share in our excitement. We currently have 3 boys and 1 girl. The Els are over the moon to know who we are expecting!




Popped the balloon!



Hooray!


Already in LOVE


The Els finding out on El Momma's 40th birthday! 💗💗💗💗💗

Sunday, July 23, 2017

A case for a big age difference in kids

I grew up in a family that was mid-sized. Two parents and three kids. My oldest sibling, my brother, was thirteen when I was born. My sister was eight. I was a surprise. Not that my parents didn't want more children, they just didn't think it was possible given all the time that went by in between pregnancies.

We just shared via this video that we are expecting our 5th baby El in January. We are beyond thrilled. We spent a lot of time praying and hoping for this little baby. There will be 7 years between Leeland (our youngest) and the baby and almost 13 years between our oldest and youngest! Very similar age difference to my big brother and I.


My brother and I when I was in High School



I loved growing up with a brother who was thirteen years older. He gave me so much attention when I was little and it continued when he went to college. I missed him a ton when he graduated from high school. But, we stayed close. He saved me from many a near-crisis when I lived in Los Angeles. (Thank you, Michael!) Our relationship has only grown over the years and now we remain very close friends.

From the perspective of the older child(ren), I believe giving them this younger sibling is going to be an amazing growth opportunity. No, I am not expecting my children to mature overnight. But, I do believe this will help along a very natural progression in their maturity and development. None of my children were old enough to appreciate the miracle of life or really helping in the house when any of my babies were born. That is all going to be very different this time. They have no idea how much change is coming, but I believe they are going to be over the moon for this little one and we are all going to love having a new baby El in the house!